I wish I could live without any expectations.
Even if you have this thrilling seconds when you realized that they come true, I would sacrifice these little seconds of transe for a perfect ataraxia. Or holidays of ataraxia. Can you imagine ? Take a break when you think about nothing then “what will I eat for lunch ?”, “which movie will I see tonight ?”. Some people will call that boredom. The others ? happiness. I have nothing against expecting something. I just hate the processus. You know, when you loose yourself in this paranoiac mind, which lives only for an answer ? I hate that. Everytime, there are same symptoms. First, I am confident, then suspicious, then worried, and finally, extremely vulnerable.
I hate feeling vulnerable, it’s like being nude to me. I spent so many years to build my confidence that vulnerability is a monster to me. If I had to depict it, it would be me, naked in front of a canon. Yeah. Just like that, haha. During a long time, I thought vulnerability was independant, but our relationships work on it entirely. Most of the time, when you say that you refuse to act like this because you don’t want to be vulnerable in a situation, people say “you have to”. And there comes everything : if you want to be true to yourself, true to the person you love, true to your convictions. You have to. Like when you are in a relationship, and you need to give up your protections for showing who you are, you have to drop all your fears of being hurt…Etc. You have to be vulnerable for appreciating the essence of things around you. You need to be naked to see how comfortable it is to be dressed/touched/comfortable to be home.
Somehow, it is true. It’s not weakness, but bravour to show up. However, it’s not that easy. I mean, being vulnerable would not be if we did not need to protect ourself, to be tough, and to seem confident. If it would not be necessary, vulnerability would not exist. I would like to not be afraid everytime I begin something with someone that I love. Being a white paper where a new story can be written. I try to, but it is not easy.
So, what ? you will say. What should we do ?
Well, it is simple. First, we should accept to be scared, afraid, hurt, vulnerable… Because it is a fatality. Fatility is not necessarily bad, you know, it can help to go further. I am vulnerable sometimes, so what ? You never know if you can be surprised.
You think she/he doesn’t love you ? You don’t know until you will tell him. FACT.
You think your project won’t come true ? Well it won’t if you are discouraged and spend your time to read this blog instead of working on it. FACT. You think people won’t accept who you are ? Who cares if you accept who you are. At the end…
You think something ? Well, just stop thinking for a while, and do what you want to do. When I said “I wouild like to go to Finland, it is maybe silly like plan”, the girl next to me told me “it’s chimerical !”. I could have thought about why and how she knows, but I just went to take an application and filled up for going to Finland the year after. I did, and I spent the best year of my life.
So yeah, Mrs. Vulnerability is still there when you are not sure. But if it’s there, it means some how that you act and hope something, you believe in something. Isn’t it great ? To have a goal to accomplish ?
If you fail, cry. Cry during a long day. The day after, pick a new goal. ‘Cause at the end, you never know if these little insane seconds of striking happiness will be somewhere else… and longer than you excepted. 😉